bring me back to my sanity

Love is a feeling that no one can explain.  It’s something you want to swallow and at the same time you don’t want to digest.

Why is it that sometimes you have the eagerness to extinguish the weird feeling towards somebody?

Sometimes I feel like I want to end everything, but like the wind it keeps on coming back.  Being with the person makes me happy although I know deep inside me, I’m just the second person in line – worst was I lost every ounce of the sanity I have.

The past haunts every action I am doing – for diminutive time I beg for someone who could be there, someone who can cherish every part of me – the flaws I have or the insanity I have.

I know it’s bad to dwell on things too much but the mushy thing is, I keep on relinquishing every chapter I am facing.  From the heart of blue to the heat of darkness I’ve been digging for an answer, but it comforts me every time I wish for the feeling to grow.

The sun may seem so friendly but the moon will always seem bright and enlightens me.  The feeling of being there is always tattooed in my wit, but the reality seems to notify me.

Reality bites, and it will always will.  A song from the corrs entitled “what can I do” kept on playing in my mind.  That there is so much I can take but I have to let go – The feeling of being happy with the person and at the same time the feeling to let go.

He once told me that he will be there and will always help me but he will always love the one he loves.  How can I move on? How can I forget everything we had, if he always appears? How can I force myself to delete him from my microchip if he is always haunting me?  His smile, his voice, his palm, him being tender and soft provokes me to always love him again.

Sometimes I feel like I was just infatuated but sometimes I feel like it was more of a pearl that could be found in the deepest part of the ocean.  The pearl that beats abnormally is the same pearl that was strangled and stepped down before he came.

Each year I was overwhelmed with mix emotions I could never explain, same emotion I could never nourish and the same feeling I have to burry six feet below or inside the core.

Sometimes I wish of being a character in a fairy tale like Cinderella or Snow white, but I don’t think there is a prince who’s willing to take the risk and fight for every antagonist that blocks the forest of deliverance.

I dreamt of having a carousel full of flowers but in reality I always get a horse full of thorns.  I wish of loving someone and be loved by somebody but every time I was about to reach it, I always stumble.

Fear struck me, thorns always prick me and bullets always hit me.  Visions may come vividly but clouds of disappointment blocks me.

Love – a beautiful gift to give and receive, but why does it always come and go, leaving you behind unanswered, doubtful and hanging?

Been a long time since i last updated this blog…

Anyway, I’m currently here in Cebu bugging my friends… hahahaha

After how many months working in a broadcast industry, now, I’m currently in the state of boredom.

The whole time in three weeks,  I’ve been watching television or surfing the net. Well I guess my brain is still working but not as sharp as before during my college years.

I actually realize that if you were too focus on the job you have, there is always a big possibility that your brain will rust, unless if you still have time reading different kinds of books.

Not that I’m telling my last exertion made my brain busted – ‘twas just twisted a little – like having a hard time calculating equations in algebra and geometry.  oh well guess I need to  review my subjects from elementary to college.  hahahahahaha

Recently, this song makes me feel at ease by listening to it over and over again. It controls the aches I’m trying to extinguish. The inner scream I’m trying to mute. The flow of something i can’t explain. Feelings may come easily but to keep and treasure it is one of the most difficult. Especially when your glass of emotions had already exploded. Things may ruined my day but lessons teaches me.

You see I tend to think of having someone by my side, or someone to keep me in the light. I often wish of being with someone, but I don’t need it now.  I often think of loving someone, but I don’t think there is someone.  I often dream of having my own family, but I want to settle being alone.  I wish of having a serious relationship but I don’t think there is someone to take me seriously.  I dream of having a sunset wedding at the beach but I don’t think there is a beach available for me.

Reflections, help me to control myself, after finishing a stick of cigar I decided to go in my scope and patch tings up; there, Lying in a bed full of pillows touches the vulnerability of my sanity, thoughts of wisdom helped me, reaching out to pat me in my shoulder, and the blanket of faith hugged me, I never thought this could happen; the light opened my eyes to veracity, and the fan of happiness tattooed its smile in my face, making me more comfortable and at ease in dealing with it. Now I know where to place myself whenever I’m with my ANT, we still talk, but not that much, though I missed the moments we used to have before, its okay I’ll wait for that someone to come, and this time? Not another ant but a flower to match it over.

in the darkness I will rest, for the sunlight took all my sanity… the light I’m digging taught me to despise myself, I knew I was wrong, falling for someone who couldn’t even notice my presence was the worse sentiment I ever had, he treated me like a kid, just a sister, just a friend, I wish he doesn’t have radars and senses to screw everything I planted.  I’m drowning myself in my own sticky cold blood, ripping my skin, digging inside, cooking my flesh in my own fats, the fats…! Turned into clammy oil…! the oil of darkness inside, wake me up..! Please… I beg you, save me, make me realize everything is just a fallacy, this is just a dream, a really bad dream, one of my melancholic fantasy never in reality, please stop me from believing in you, keep me safe my precious wit, edit everything and erase the unpleasing piece, half awake I may seem, a lot of mystery I want to solve and answer… help me find my senses before I rest in darkness.

Let me play hide and seek, like the wolf in a story.  Where is the light I want to keep? Where could this dusty forest lead? Leaving my sanity in the mystic box led me to question every action of the fox, searching for an answer; I found an ant, softly he’s helping me, inch by inch he told a story, life is everything, life is worth keeping, it’s a treasure God given me, said the ant… realizing what the ant told me, given me a little light to uncover my misery, pieces by pieces my broken mirror placed itself, believing something might turn into honey, as sweet as the sugar cane, the dusty forest provided me the way, is it the way to happiness? Or again a road to despise myself?

I feel like a ghost, invincible, non-existent, before, my ant used to visit me, cooked with me while teasing me, concern? I think he was… as he waited for his queen to come back, slowly, my petals fall for him, I know I’m just a flower, a flower without a scent, I was so happy to found my little ant supported me, he taught me some things, and told me a lot of stories I hardly hear.  Being with my little ant made me realize to keep something, a treasure worth keeping, not a gold but more than a diamond, I know someday my little ant will go away, leaving me behind, for friendship my little ant would risk, but beyond that, he will never keep, a queen ant is for a worker ant, I may sound selfish but I want my ant to be there, being with him glitters my day minute by minute.  When my ant is out of sight, I worry a lot, he might get lost outside, in the forest full of dust, there’s a mystery I want to cover, waiting and waiting, I knew he will come back. Dawn came, still, he wasn’t there, waking up in the morning without my ant is as lonely as the duck without a mother, I want to scream I want to shout, but I just can’t, I have no right, suddenly I herd a news came from the factory, finally…! my little ant, he is here but not with me…he’s with the cute and charming queen ant… he may sound happy, together they may seem emotionally wed, they already built buildings and houses for their kids, I can’t blame them for they belong with each other… God bless my little ant I’m just here, when you need me, not a ghost and I leave in reality…